The Dull Matter Hat
Liz answers the door.
Liz: Alright Jon!
Jon: Hey Liz.
Liz: Come in.
Jon: Thanks.
Liz: 'scuse the mess.
Jon waits by the lounge door. He waits for Liz to acknowledge his new hat, which he knows she's spotted but waits for the question anyway.
Jon: So,... how's life?
Liz: Not bad. I've been really busy with work recently.
Jon wanders the room to a familiar position by the CD shelf.
Liz: New hat?
Jon: (grinning) Yeah. ...You'll never believe what it's made out of!
Liz seems disinterested.
Jon: ... It's from that market stall.
Still nothing.
Jon: ...It's magic!
Liz: ...magic??
Jon: Yeah! Well no, not magic, actually... but it might as well be! You'd think it was magic, ...It's the material.
Liz: What you talking about?
Jon: The hat. ...It's made of dark matter!
Liz: What?
Jon: Dark matter! Seriously!
Liz: Dark matter?
Jon: Yeah.
Liz: What? Like anti-matter?
Jon: Yeah.
Liz: Right. Have you been taking them mushrooms again?
Jon: Honestly Liz, it's real dark matter... it's actually quite dangerous.
Liz: Looks like velvet to me.
Jon: Trust me, it's dark matter.
Liz: I didn't think you could actually see dark matter.
Jon: Erm... you can't. I think that's just in space though.... You know, what with space being black,... and dark matter being really really ...dark.
Liz: Hmm, doesn't look that dark to me... in fact for a black hat, I'd say it looks a bit faded. What you've got there Jon, is a dull matter hat.
Jon: But it's made of dark matter.
Liz: Well if it is dark matter, then it's dark grey matter.
Jon: Yeah well, I thought about this. I reckon they had to like dilute it with something.
Liz: Velvet?
Jon: Well possibly. But you know, they had to mix it with something, ...to make it safer. Possibly even at a molecular level.
Liz: Safer?
Jon: Yeah, dark matter makes regular matter explode or disappear, or something.
Liz: Yeah, I've heard that. But don't you think that if it was real anti-matter on your head, wouldn't you explode?
Jon: Ahh, you see, I could, but I'm charged you see.
Liz: What?
Jon: Yeah, the guy I bought it from explained it to me. The hat isn't actually on my head. It hovers just a fraction of a millimetre away, because I've charged my hair with static electricity.
Liz: Okaaayy...
Jon: That's why I've been carrying this balloon around with me...
Liz: I was wondering about that.
Jon: ...so every hour or so I have to recharge my hair.
Liz: Riiight...
Jon: The only downside is, I get one hell of a shock if I go near something metal. I have to try and stay earthed for as long as possible.
Liz: ...Hang on, if you can't touch the hat, how do you take it off to do the balloon/head thing? How did you get it on in the first place?
Jon: Ahh, well I'm glad you asked. The guy who sold me it also sold me these.
Jon pulls some gloves out of his coat pocket.
Jon: They're made of the same material, and I only wear them when handling the hat.
Liz: If they're the same material, how come you can touch them but not the hat?
Jon: Simple,... leather lining.
Liz rolls her eyes.
Liz: He really saw you coming didn't he. How much did you pay for these Jon?
Jon: I got a bargain price actually! ... He wanted to flog me an old anti-matter scarf as well, but I couldn't see any use for one of those.
Liz: So which dodgy market did you get them from.
Jon: It was that one in Camden. D'you remember where I bought those magic beans from last month?
Liz: (sighs) ...yes.
Jon: Well, it was from near there.
Liz: And how much did you pay for the hat?
Jon: Five magic beans.
Liz: Your joking?
Jon: Seriously. Like I said; A bargain. ...He charged me cash for the gloves though. ...Eighty-five quid.
Liz looks at Jon with pity.
Jon: What?!... The hat was a bargain! The gloves are just like the safety equipment to handle the hat. ....They are leather lined.
Liz smiles and shakes her head. Jon put the gloves back in his coat pocket.
Liz: D'you wanna drink?
Jon: Err, yeah. Thanks.
Liz walks past Jon towards the kitchen. But once she'd past him, Liz quickly reaches to make a grab for the hat.
Before Jon has time to react, and before Liz can finish saying the word 'Yoink', there is a flash of white light and a loud imploding sound that lasts for less than a millisecond, and then liz is nowhere to be seen.
Jon bites his bottom lip. Nic comes out of the bedroom.
Nic: Hey Jon. What was that noise?
Jon looks worried, and a little guilty.
Jon: Oh,... errmm... ....That was Liz.
Nic: Has she popped out?
Jon: Err, ...yeeaah...
Nic: D'you want a drink?
Jon: Erm, yeah. Thanks.
Nic goes to the kitchen, then turns round.
Nic: New hat?
Jon: (grins)Yeah. ...You'll never believe what it's made out of!
Ha ha - that is good.
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