Poetry Dump

Here's a selection of some of the least worst poems I've written between 2002 and now. Conclusive proof that I'm not a poetic genius. Comments welcome.

Lard

(written 2003/revised 2004)

As a boy, when I was small,

Really thin & not too tall,

I would spend time to make fun of all, who were overweight.

At the time I was just wee,

With not an ounce of fat on me,

It was anyone fatter whom I loved to hate.

Later on, I went through my teens,

Took ages, or so it seemed,

Until I was allowed legally to drink beer,

At 18, mature enough for this,

Though it was rank, tasted of piss,

My last days of being thin were drawing near.

By the time that I was 24,

My slender physique was no more,

I was in no good state of health to criticise

All the fat folk as a child I’d found,

No longer funny cos my stomach’s round,

For my beer belly made room for extra pies.

Pies of all sorts I would eat,

Sweet, savoury, but mostly meat,

If it used to have a face, it would be considered,

Beef, chicken, veal & lamb,

Venison, rabbit, pork & ham,

Ostrich, pheasant, goat & even lizard.

The rarer the animal the better the taste,

By now I couldn’t see below my waist,

I’d gotten a taste for wild boar, swan & horse,

Elephant, gibbon, blue whale, frog,

Seal, giant panda, cat & dog

Anything can taste great with tomato sauce.

Though I never ate veg, I thought I’d try it,

I tried to have a balanced diet,

I’d eat spuds, but usually in a different guise.

Potatoes, boiled, roast and new,

Mashed, and baked and oven chips too,

“Could I also have a side portion of extra fries?”

In the interest of my health,

I’d try and look after myself,

I‘d eat fruit between meals everyday.

The contents of each meal however,

Was a greasy fry up, ‘Yeah, I’m clever’

Like a daily apple’d keep the doctor away.

Into my thirties I drank lots more,

So that’s what elasticated waists are for,

Every breakfast I ate included sausage and bacon,

Fat bar stewards would serve me beer,

A heart attack surely draws near,

Or so you’d think, but you’d have been mistaken.

The moral of this tale’s in the next verse,

But before I explain how it got worse;

If you liked my poem, why not mail it to a friend,

The age I died, I won’t divulge,

Believe it or not, my stomach’s bulge,

Had nothing to do with how I met the end,

Too much greasy food is bad for you,

In my case, this was kind of true,

Twas a tragic morning, when it came to pass.

Frying a breakfast is not that hard,

Just remember, use plenty of lard.

Oh and don’t forget… ignite the gas.

 

Exit Door  
(2005)

I wish that you were still around,
I wish that you were here.
We'd talk about the stupid things and laugh so long my dear.

I wish that you had never left,
I wish we had more time.
We'd swap so many more in-jokes that now are solely mine.

I wish you'd never gone away,
Cos I feel incomplete.
I know it sounds silly to say, but I hope again we'll meet.

I wish that you had not passed through
Life's one-way exit door.
From the other side you could decide we need to talk some more.

I wish that you could hear my verse,
and everything I'm saying.
But since you died the only way to reach you is by praying.

I wish that worked, but it's futile.
You'd not hear what was said;
There is no door. And you are no more,
Just a memory in my head.

I Wake Up!

(13/08/2002)

I wake up

The time: Zero. Seven. Zero. Zero...

I'm a secret Agent;

A super hero

It's an average day

Of epic deeds

Must complete my mission

Of action & speed

Of gadgets & weapons

Of secrets & lies,

A need to know basis

I'll kill the bad guys.

I'm Mr Fantastic,

The greatest guy ever

I have super powers

& I will endeavour

To save the Earth

Then fall in love

I'll defuse the bomb

I'll do all the above

Cos I'm Mr Amazing

I'm a superstar

I've a secret base,

A futuristic car,

I'll get the girl

I'll save the day

It's not my choice

It's the only way

Cos I'm Captain Charisma,

A super man,

Master of disguise,

& here's my plan:

On this epic adventure

That my life has been hurled

Gonna get out of bed

Then I'll save the world...

...& then I wake up

It's late at night

It's dark in these woods

Something here's not right

Being chased by werewolves

This is not in my head

I'm being hunted down

By the living dead

By vampires and monsters

& zombies that could

Bite my neck while I sleep

& feed on my blood

Then when I wake up

I too will be dead

I must just keep running

There's no time for bed

Been running for hours

They're still behind me

Where were my friends?

What's that I can see?

I'll be safe in that church

There I can rest

But there's no-one here

Just a total blood fest

I see my friends bodies

In bits on the floor

Werewolves getting closer

Must barricade the door

But they smash through the window

Now the zombies have me

They bite at my wrists

The last that I see

Is one of their faces

This man was a friend

But the pain is immense

This must be the end

I can't get away

Blood everywhere

Wolves rip at my chest

I hear chunks of flesh tear

The pain just got worse

Why am I not dead?

Being eaten alive

But it's all in my head...

...& then I wake up

It's six forty five

I'm disorientated

At least I'm alive

Downstairs I eat breakfast

I put on my shirt

My suit, my tie

& then travel to work

It's Monday morning

But a thought strikes me:

How could I be sure

That I was really me?

If I was still dreaming,

& my life was not so

If this was not real,

Then how would I know?

'You are really here',

My friend assured me

He pinched me to prove it

So I spat in his tea...

So I got on with my life

& stuck to my plan,

Made each moment worthwhile,

And then I died, an old man.

...& then I wake up.

 

 

 

      wasted day
      (21/03/2008)


      A day doing nothing

      A day of doing squat

      A day to think of everything, from time and space to what is what.

      A day of wasting moments,
 

      A day of doing nowt.

      A day of contemplation, of what your life is all about.

      A day to plan to do things.

      A day of making plans,

      A day for getting round to plan for making plans of making plans,

      A day of doing nothing,

      A day of sweet F A,

      And think, this time tomorrow, of all the things that you achieved today.

 

 

 

Reasonable Behaviour 

(07/05/2007)

 

I eat because I'm bored

I drink because I'm lonely

I run because I'm late

I text because I'm early

I drive because it's quicker

I bus because I'm lazy

I smile because I'm saying 'cheese'

I smirk because it's funny

I listen because I want to hear

I talk because you asked me

I watch because the TV's there

I sing because I'm happy

I sleep because I stayed awake

I laugh because I'm singing

I think because I have the time

I write because I'm thinking

 

Forever Disappointed

(12/06/2005)

I want to be bigger, I want to be smaller

I want to be better and fatter and stronger

I want to be harder, I want to be taller

I want to be shorter and slower and longer

I want to be nicer, I want to be smarter

I want to be cooler, and greater and sharper

I want to be faster, I want to be louder

I want to run quicker and slicker and farther

I want to be someone else who I cannot be

I want to be him, I want to be me

I want to be her, I want to be them

I want to own everything and lose it again

I want nothing more than what I deserve

I want karma and justice forever on Earth

I want all the above and all the below

I want someone forever and be left alone

I don't know what I want, if I did I'd want it

I want someone to tell me just what that 'it' is

When I find what I want, I know I'll want more

After that I'm not sure just what I'd want at all

But there's always more if you know what you want

Some people can get it and some people can't

If you don't know what you want, then you're lucky and never

Will you be disappointed, and you'll want nothing forever.

Same Old, Same Old (or 'Travel Fatigue')

(15/12/2005)

The same old tunes, the same old bed

The same old lyrics stuck in my head

The same old words, the same old rhyme

The same old rhythm all of the time

The same old room, the same old songs

The same old poetry all along

The same old drums, the same old beats

The same old dusty cinema seats

The same old music, the same old hooks

The same old books for the same old books

The same old food, the same old pubs

The same DJ in the same old clubs

The same old beer, the same new wine

The same happy hour most of the time

The same old sea, the same old land

The same nights out with the same old bands

The same old planes, the same old flights

The same old music playing at night

The same old poems and thoughts in my head

The same old tunes, the same old bed.

Trapped in Taupo

(02/04/2006)

I've wandered passed the lake front,

I've been sky diving,

But keeping busy really is a mission.

I went to the museum,

and though it's only 1 small room,

I spent 40 minutes at the exhibition.

I've walked across town,

Been to the cinema,

But that's all I can do for now though.

For everything that's fun

I've already done,

And there nothing else, 'cause I'm trapped in Taupo.

The weather just got worse,

It's rained everyday.

I even went to the thermal park for a laugh.

Though the effect of the rain

whilst sat in a warm river

Is like a cold shower when sat in a hot bath.

I need to leave this town.

I've been here far too long.

I'm so bored, but I shouldn't make a fuss.

The fact is: I'm still here,

but I'm the one to blame.

It's all my fault because I missed the bus.