Glastonbury for Free

Back in the days when I used to frequent festivals (2005), I came up with an ingenious (and not entirely legal) idea of how to get into Glastonbury without buying a ticket or scaling a wall. The idea is to sneak into the festival grounds under cover of night, before any/all of the perimeter fences are erected. What you'll need to do then, is hide. In a hole in the ground. A hole that will be your home until the first day of the festival.

Obviously you'll need to have prepared this hiding place in advance. And as this hole will need a roof, I suggest utilising some sort of prefabricated wooden box, or even a customised skip, with all equipment and supplies you'll need stored within. That way all you'll need to do is sneak in, dig the hole, plant the skip, and then carefully lay the turf back on top so your hiding place is well hidden.

Here is an intricately detailed schematic* which I drew as the idea came to me:

 *You'll be forgiven for thinking that this looks like that scribblings of a 7 year-old with learning difficulties. I had originally intended to spend many weeks perfecting this design. However I was somewhat intoxicated at the time, and therefore the above 2 minute rendering is as far I got with this project before I got distracted by some shapes and bright colours.

Now clearly this is an almost-genius idea, but the smarter amongst you may have already thought of some potential flaws with it. The most obvious being that by not buying a ticket, and utilising this scheme, will you actually be saving any money?

Well I'm not so sure that you will. You'd have to arrive at Worthy Farm before the fences go up, which I understand happens at least 6 weeks before the festival starts. Are your really prepared to give up all this time and effort just to get into a music festival? Then there's the cost of skip hire for 2 months. Plus the extra materials needed to make it habitable (roof, water drainage system, air circulation, chemical toilet, etc). Then food supplies for 2 months. Then there's the cost/hassle of transporting the thing on a truck. Not to mention the expense of hiring a JCB digger for a night. Plus you'd need drivers for both vehicles to drive them back to remove any evidence.

On the other hand you wouldn't actually be paying any rent for the duration that you were there. How much money would that save you? ... So I don't know, perhaps it could be an economically sound plan.
But then there's always the risk factor to consider. I've got to be honest with you; there is a fair possibility of either prosecution or death.

The Return of the Thin White Duke...

As those of you who know me know, I have always been entertained, fascinated and inspired by a young man named David Bowie. Perhaps you've heard of him.

He's one of those old fashioned all-round entertainers, but He's particularly fond of producing music. Timeless music (and decades of it), comprising of such a diverse range of sounds and ideas as to make you wonder which planet this talented genius came from. His genres of choice and artistic vision for each album has always been ahead of the curve (with the exception of 80's albums Tonight and Never Let Me Down, which were somewhat behind). He has influenced every recording artist you care to name in the last forty years. - Yep, every single one of them. (Yes, even them!)

His ability to foreshadow musical trends is astonishing even to me. Assuming that He hasn't stolen the keys to my time machine, the man truly is a genius. I feel honoured to be sharing a planet with Him.

But what's waxing lyrical about a fellow genius got to do with Jon's genius ideas? Very good question, imaginary reader. I'll tell you...


About five years ago, in the days when it had seemed that He may have retired, I thought up a fantastic idea for a David Bowie concept album. I also thought it would be a great idea to write a letter to tell Him of said genius idea. The concept was as follows: He should record an album of new songs, each song written and sung in the style of a different Bowie era. Not only that, but for the sake of authenticity, the appropriate instruments and recording technology of the time should be employed, as well as the appropriate musicians and producers for each era (assuming they're still alive. - No-one needs to bother exhuming Mick Ronson*). The whole album would be like a mixed alternative reality 'best of' album. It'd be called Evolution, or some such. Perhaps a naff title, but the more I thought about the album name, the more I realised that didn't really matter - It was the concept that was important.

There'd be a track from his hippy 60's era, a Man Who Sold The World style prog-rock epic, a couple of Ziggy-like glam-rock song, a plastic-soul number, a couple of Eno-written/produced songs, a new romantic song, a pop 80's hit, a song about goblins, a tin-machine-esque rock song, an experimental quirky one that sounded like it was from Outside, a drum'n'bass track, and finally a couple of contemporary tunes that sound like His more recent output. This was a great idea! Ok, maybe not the Tin Machine style song, but the rest of it's all good.

Two weeks ago Bowie released his first studio album since 2003. The Next Day is awesome. It's probably His best album in the last 30 years, and I'm not just saying that.
...Ok, I am just saying that. But if you give it a listen, I'm sure your ears (and eventually your brain) will agree with me, and then you'll be saying that too.




When you hear The Next Day for the first time it's quite obvious that some of the songs sound similar to earlier incarnations of Bowie. On repeat listens, you can pick out a different corresponding album from his back catalogue (from Ziggy onwards) for almost every song on the album. Have a listen yourself and I'm sure you'll agree. Some are more obvious than others though.



My track/album comparisons are as follows:

  1. The Next Day : Scary Monsters

   2. Dirty Boys : Lodger        

3. The Stars (Are Out Tonight) : Reality                                   
4. Love Is Lost : Heathen         
5. Where Are We Now? : Hours                          
6. Valentine's Day : Ziggy Stardust   
7. If You Can See Me : Earthling                  
8. I'd Rather Be High : Heroes                   
    9. Boss of Me : Diamond Dogs
10. Dancing Out in Space : Black Tie White Noise   
11. How Does the Grass Grow : The Next Day**                       
12. (You Will) Set the World on Fire : Tin Machine                                   
     (maybe. not so sure about that one^ I've never heard Tin Machine)
13. You Feel So Lonely You Could Die : Young Americans (maybe)                
  14. Heat : Outside

**Ok, I couldn't really think of which specific album sounds like track 11. It sort of encompasses lots of Bowie albums... which in itself make it quite typical of this album.

I know what you're thinking. And the answer is no, I'm not sure that I do have too much time on my hands. And also I realise maybe four or five of the tracks don't exactly sound like the album I've linked them to,... but some really do. Particularly tracks 1, 3, 5, 6, 7 and 14. They sound like giving them a retro album style was the very idea. And what a great idea it was.

So, did the Gobin King actually go with my idea? ... Well no, because I never actually wrote to Him. I mean, you've gotta ask yourself, am I even worthy to communicate with the great man?

So how come He ended up making an album that seems so close to my original genius idea, even though I'd never published this idea until now? Perhaps He did steal my time machine after all. Other than that, I'd say that it's more likely a case of great minds thinking alike; He must've come up with this genius idea on His own. I mean, it's not like He's omniscient.


*Thinking about it, Ronno would make a pretty good zombie.