The Train Break Turbine

Here's a quick energy generating idea. As well as all the usual green ways of energy production, why not tap into the wasted energy of breaks on a train.

You'd still keep the breaking mechanism on a train as a safety measure for the driver (and also for slowing near bends), but primarily breaking entering a station can be done by 'break turbines'. These are just a number of large turbine wheels built under the sections of track approaching the station, which will connect with long strips of break pad under each carriage. The break turbines will be adjustable from the signal box, so that they're only there if a train needs to stop. The turbines can be lowered so that they don't affect through-trains not intended to stop at the station.

For trains that should stop, the whole thing will be automated. There will be sensors on the track that register the speed of a train's approach to the station. The computer then knows how much pressure the turbine breaks need to initially exert on the train. This pressure is then gradually released until the train comes to a smooth stop at the platform.

Every time a train pulls into a station, a turbine will be turned which will generate electricity. Imagine the amount of power generated if every railway and tube station had these turbines spinning every time a train approached a platform. Enough to power the trains? Probably not, but I imagine there'd be a lot more force there than in wind or tidal power.

Naturally it would take much time and expense to convert both stations and trains to this method of breaking and energy production. But once all up and running, I should think they'd easily pay for themselves within a year.

Also, it would be easier to include this genius idea within the designs of new trains and train lines, rather than retrofitting it to existing ones.

I really like the proposed idea of the almost-frictionless vacuum tube train system* that they're gonna build in the USA or Japan**. I hereby give them permission to use my train break turbine generator idea as part of it's design. Just let me know if you've any questions guys.


* AKA The vactrain. A genius idea that's so crazy, it's like the sort of shit that I'd make up.
** I figure one of these 2 countries is bound to do it first.

Perpetual Super Fluid Motion

Yep, I'm giving the old perpetual motion machine a third and final stab.

Before I explain it in detail, I'd like to remind everyone that I am not a mathematician or a scientist, and my understanding of theoretical physics is basic at best. So perhaps you can chalk this one up to 'great idea, but the numbers don't quite add up'. On the other hand, perhaps I've stumbled upon something that no-one else has, and would therefore need to seriously consider removing the negative adverb from the title of this website.

It's all about superfluids. As with all my 'genius' ideas, this one is fairly straight forward ...(and ill thought out).

If you cool helium down to at least 2 degrees above absolute zero, it becomes a superfluid. Superfluids have many interesting properties. One of these is that they have no surface tension, and will continue to flow at a thickness of mere atoms over itself, the effect of which means it can effectively flow up the side of a bowl. My idea exploits this property.

If a superfluid can crawl up the vertical side of a bowl with a minimum of encouragement, then I see no reason why the same substance can't flow up the lesser angled slope, of a hellical structure. A reverse helterskelter if you will.

If enough liquid helium we're to make this trip, then at the top, when it reached an appropriate shaped spout, it would fall through a traditional water wheel turbine. This turbine would produce electricity. The superfluid would then return to the shallow pool where it came from, then it continues the cycle of moving up the hellical tower.

Now, if enough liquid helium was used in enough helterskelter/turbine systems, then a greater amount of electricity can be generated. In fact there has to be an optimum quantity of superfluid per turbine for it to run most efficiently (cos you don't want a surplus of superfluous superfluids). On top of this, there has to be an optimum scale of the turbines to produce the greatest amount of power, as well as an optimum number of such turbines per squared metre to produce the most power by recycling the liquid helium as efficiently as possible. If you take all these variables and make this gravity-defying liquid powerstation (for that is what it is) as energy efficient as possible, then you'll have your solution as to whether super fluid perpetual motion is possible.

Once you've figured out the optimum measurements, quantities and ratios, then you need to figure out the optimum freezer configuration, (which is to say, the minimum power input needed to maintain the necessary near-absolute-zero temperatures).

So then... you've figured out the maximum possible power output for the most energy efficient turbine/helterskelter/superfluid configuration (A), as well as the minimum power input required to keep this machine constantly cooled at the most energy efficient level possible (B).

Then you just do the maths to see if the machine can power itself as well as produce extra energy...

A - B = C

If C > 0 then you've got yourself a pepectual motion machine!

You're welcome.

Beep Beep

I almost find it ridiculous that in this day and age, a new car still only has one beep sound for it's horn. A sound that is supposed to convey numerous messages to fellow road users, from 'Cheers mate!' and 'look out, I'm approaching the corner' to 'Get the fuck out of my way! This is my road!' ...and everything in between.  The only current difference between all of the above, is the length of the beeeep.

Cars should have more than one horn sound.

I'm not suggesting that you have a great myriad of polyphonic sounds, just three or four alternative beep sounds, which better articulate the sentiment you're going for.
For example, for a simple 'Thank you' noise, you're going to want a lighter meep-meep sound  - not too dissimilar to the horn on Postman Pat's van. You know the one. Everybody knows his bright red van. So Pat's got that one sorted already, but what if he's in a pile up? What if Ted's truck's broken down, and Pat's got an urgent delivery for the vicar? He's gonna want the extra aggressive grunt in his beep. If only to help him let of a little steam. Unfortunately he's only got that little 'meep' horn; It doesn't really do the trick when what he really wants to say is 'Yo momma!' to Ted Glenn.
This could have also been a contributing factor for Post Office workers who have been known to 'go postal'. Despite the inadequacies of Pat's van, it has been recorded for the record that he feels he's a really happy man. Mind you, that was before news of the Royal Mail's impending privatisation.

The multi-horned car is an idea I came up with many years ago. In the interim I've heard one or two other people mention the same idea to me independently. I definitely thought if it first though. Oh, what's that? You came up with the idea too? ...When was that?...  Oh really? Well I thought of it about five years before then.

The Size of the Universe

Whilst we're taking about what scientists don't know, dark energy isn't the only bollocks phrase they've invented to explain things they don't know. The other one is dark matter (not to be idiotically confused with anti-matter). This was invented to explain away the reason why they can't account for the massive lack of mass in the universe.

Again the answer is obvious. All the mass in the viewable universe only accounts for about 4% of all the mass there should be. The remaining 96% lies in the areas of space we can't see, because they exist more than 13.7 billion lightyears away. Cosmologists think this is wrong because they've misjudged the current size of the universe, by assuming that they know it's current speed. Mystery solved.

It just goes to show, if you make an ill-informed, half thought out assumption in one instance, it'll have a logical knock on effect for all the rest of your reasoning. Obviously all of my scientific arguments are flawless and impeccable, so there's absolutely no reason to even doubt their credibility. All have been scientifically peer reviewed by the equally genius and sound mind of my assistant Ziggy, the invisible time-travelling hamster.

The State of the Universe (aka Gravity Part V)

There's a fairly large question about the universe that cosmologists have been unable to definitively answer, and that's 'Why does the universe look like it does?'. An amazingly simple question, I think you'll agree, and it doesn't take a genius to come up with an amazingly simple answer to this question... or perhaps it does.

In the likely event that you're in the dark as to what the universe looks like, let me enlighten you. This universe (for it is probable that there are many) is comprised of a few hundred billion galaxies. These galaxies are not scattered completely randomly, but are instead spread out in a three dimensional stringy web-like pattern. A good analogy that has been made for this is a load of washing-up bubbles, where the washing-up liquid that makes up the bubbles themselves represent the galaxies, and the air within the bubbles represents the vast gaps of nothing in the universe.

Theoretical physicists have the problem that they don't know how the universe got into this state. Well, it seems pretty obvious to me. I mean, I'm no astrophysicist, but it's hardly rocket science: The galaxies remain in a stretched out web pattern because matter naturally distorts space-time, which has an instantaneous effect on the propagation of any and all matter relative to both the distance and the combined mass of any and all of the masses within the system. The net effect of all of this intergalactic mass is a sort of mass intergalactic net effect, and the appearance of the universe as it has been observed fits in exactly as predicted by the above model.

You probably realised that this is a description of gravity, but I really wanted to explain what is happening without confusing matters... and people seem to get confused whenever someone mentions the G-word. They think it's a force or something!  ...the idiots.

So what's the prob?
The cosmic boffins still have the issue of explaining why the universe is still expanding, when gravity should've started making it contract by now. They've attributed this to Dark Energy [cue mystical/scary music].
Dark energy is just a phrase they've invented, because they can't think of they're own explanation that doesn't involve magic, witchcraft, god or anything else made up.

It all seems quite self-evident to this genius: The universe is still expanding because the explosion that created this universe was bloody massive. You can't even begin to imagine how big it was. Sure, the effect of gravity has slowed the expansion substantially since the universe began, but that's small beans compared to how fast it was originally going at 13.7 billion years ago. Back then it was all relatively pretty close to the cosmic speed limit. So of course gravity hasn't put the breaks on fully. If/when that eventually happens, our universe will start to contract slowly. But then as time goes on, the speed of contraction will continue to accelerate... to the point that it will eventually reach a point (by which I mean a singularity) just at the point when the relative speed reaches the cosmic speed limit of the universe.

Improving the Capital - part 4

So tell us Jon, tell us how we can make London a less crappy place to live.

Why should I?

Because geniuses are few and far between and you're so awesome, I just know you'll have another genius idea to improve the capital.

You're right. I am awesome.

And with that, Jon stopped talking to himself, turned away from the mirror and returned to his antiquated electronic writing device to type out his latest idea in a most unconventional manner.

After a while he decided that writing his blog in the third person probably wasn't his greatest idea, and that hopefully nobody would notice when I reverted to the first person half way through a sentence....
Seamless!


So as promised...

Picture the scene.  You're a London local. You're in a tube station. You're on your way down the escalator towards the station platform. And because you're not an idiot or a tourist, and you understand the English language, you'll know you have the choice of either standing on the right or walking down the left side of the escalator.

If your not a small child or an elderly person or an American, then you'll have chosen to walk down the escalator as every able-bodied adult with even the loosest understanding of the concept of gravity should. But then you have two further types of people to contend with...

There'll be the usual moronic-foreign-elderly-child type of person who's stood on the left of the escalator.  You need to be patient with these, and ask them politely to move out of the way. Some people ought to know better, but it's quite hard to tell from behind which of the people are simpletons and which are just arseholes.

Then there's the tailgater. The teenager who runs down the escalator who then has to stop becuase you're in the way, and then continues just inches behind you. The city-boy with the stupid pointy shoes who has to leg it down three steps at a time. The businessman who absolutely must get to the platform in order to get the train that's waiting there, lest he miss and have to wait for the next train, all of 90 seconds later. Run businessman, run! Oh my god, I can hear the doors beeping already! Quick! RUN!!

Pedestrian tailgating is not nice. You can hear them coming, then you're ever conscious that they're just behind you.  No, I will not speed up for you. I usually walk faster than most people but I'm not going to speed up going down a staircase, let alone a staircase that's moving. Nor am I going to find a place to my right to move to so that you can go past. I like my personal space. Why are you in such a rush in the first place.

The solution of course is obvious. Have a third option; Are you going to take the stairs, the escalator, or the slide?

Fun for kids. Great if you're genuinely in a rush. Perfect if you find that walking speed plus the speed of an escalator isn't fast enough for you. There could even be an extra steep slide... just for thrill seekers and really impatient people.
If that's not fast enough for you (and let's face it, we're talking about the arseholes who always need to be some place 5 minutes ago), then you can choose the fireman's pole. No training given. Use it at your own risk.  And if your maximum acceleration due to gravity isn't enough for you, then I'm sure we can think up some sort of explosive upside-down human cannon.

London Bye Ta-Ta (Improving the Capital - part 3)

I've left London. Why? Well it is a horrible place to live. And yet millions of people have actively chosen to live there. Even people who were fortunate enough not to be born in Britain's capital. I can't understand it myself. In fact I'm surprised that I put up with the place for so many years myself. 

I wouldn't want to return (Not immediately anyway, and when i do it'll be hopefully just as an annoying tourist*). I haven't turned my back on London though. Not completely. Here's another idea that'll make the big smoke a less depressing place to live, to go along with my existing genius-like ideas of putting an invisible roof over Soho, and giving the London underground a colonic.

Cigarette Butt Fine

People who throw litter on the ground disgust me. If the litter happens to be a cigarette then I'm disgusted more so, on account of a cigarette's toxic nature. You people make me sick! I want to vomit on you, you vile smoke filled litterer! You know who you are. I hate you, and everyone you associate with I hope you all die of an appropriate throat or lung based illness! **

My solution to this social disease?... There should be an on-the-spot fine for anybody caught littering. They'll be charged a mere pound for regular litter and two pounds for anyone chucking a cigarette/roll-up on the ground. 

Any adult caught littering will be given the choice of picking up said litter themselves or paying the fine.

Now you may think that it can't be policed, but it can. With a couple of thousand recruits of undercover litter cops. They'll have the power to demand the money there and then. And people with have the choice of paying the fine immediately or if they can't then their details are taken and the fine increases to twenty pounds. 

This scheme will stop people littering the streets. It'll create jobs, money (which will go back into funding the litter-police), and a general sense of paranoia amongst your fellow man. No one will know who else is secretly a litter-cop. People can have this job full time and still hold down their existing job full time. It's a genius idea and one that I am surprised hasn't been instigated already. I mean, that's the way society's going isn't it?

More genius 'make London nicer' ideas to come.

* 'Pardon me, but could you direct me to lie-sester square?'

** I still feel like I'm sitting on the fence here. This is as polite as I get. After all, I never said the C word.   ...Either of them.