London Bye Ta-Ta (Improving the Capital - part 3)

I've left London. Why? Well it is a horrible place to live. And yet millions of people have actively chosen to live there. Even people who were fortunate enough not to be born in Britain's capital. I can't understand it myself. In fact I'm surprised that I put up with the place for so many years myself. 

I wouldn't want to return (Not immediately anyway, and when i do it'll be hopefully just as an annoying tourist*). I haven't turned my back on London though. Not completely. Here's another idea that'll make the big smoke a less depressing place to live, to go along with my existing genius-like ideas of putting an invisible roof over Soho, and giving the London underground a colonic.

Cigarette Butt Fine

People who throw litter on the ground disgust me. If the litter happens to be a cigarette then I'm disgusted more so, on account of a cigarette's toxic nature. You people make me sick! I want to vomit on you, you vile smoke filled litterer! You know who you are. I hate you, and everyone you associate with I hope you all die of an appropriate throat or lung based illness! **

My solution to this social disease?... There should be an on-the-spot fine for anybody caught littering. They'll be charged a mere pound for regular litter and two pounds for anyone chucking a cigarette/roll-up on the ground. 

Any adult caught littering will be given the choice of picking up said litter themselves or paying the fine.

Now you may think that it can't be policed, but it can. With a couple of thousand recruits of undercover litter cops. They'll have the power to demand the money there and then. And people with have the choice of paying the fine immediately or if they can't then their details are taken and the fine increases to twenty pounds. 

This scheme will stop people littering the streets. It'll create jobs, money (which will go back into funding the litter-police), and a general sense of paranoia amongst your fellow man. No one will know who else is secretly a litter-cop. People can have this job full time and still hold down their existing job full time. It's a genius idea and one that I am surprised hasn't been instigated already. I mean, that's the way society's going isn't it?

More genius 'make London nicer' ideas to come.

* 'Pardon me, but could you direct me to lie-sester square?'

** I still feel like I'm sitting on the fence here. This is as polite as I get. After all, I never said the C word.   ...Either of them.

Glastonbury for Free

Back in the days when I used to frequent festivals (2005), I came up with an ingenious (and not entirely legal) idea of how to get into Glastonbury without buying a ticket or scaling a wall. The idea is to sneak into the festival grounds under cover of night, before any/all of the perimeter fences are erected. What you'll need to do then, is hide. In a hole in the ground. A hole that will be your home until the first day of the festival.

Obviously you'll need to have prepared this hiding place in advance. And as this hole will need a roof, I suggest utilising some sort of prefabricated wooden box, or even a customised skip, with all equipment and supplies you'll need stored within. That way all you'll need to do is sneak in, dig the hole, plant the skip, and then carefully lay the turf back on top so your hiding place is well hidden.

Here is an intricately detailed schematic* which I drew as the idea came to me:

 *You'll be forgiven for thinking that this looks like that scribblings of a 7 year-old with learning difficulties. I had originally intended to spend many weeks perfecting this design. However I was somewhat intoxicated at the time, and therefore the above 2 minute rendering is as far I got with this project before I got distracted by some shapes and bright colours.

Now clearly this is an almost-genius idea, but the smarter amongst you may have already thought of some potential flaws with it. The most obvious being that by not buying a ticket, and utilising this scheme, will you actually be saving any money?

Well I'm not so sure that you will. You'd have to arrive at Worthy Farm before the fences go up, which I understand happens at least 6 weeks before the festival starts. Are your really prepared to give up all this time and effort just to get into a music festival? Then there's the cost of skip hire for 2 months. Plus the extra materials needed to make it habitable (roof, water drainage system, air circulation, chemical toilet, etc). Then food supplies for 2 months. Then there's the cost/hassle of transporting the thing on a truck. Not to mention the expense of hiring a JCB digger for a night. Plus you'd need drivers for both vehicles to drive them back to remove any evidence.

On the other hand you wouldn't actually be paying any rent for the duration that you were there. How much money would that save you? ... So I don't know, perhaps it could be an economically sound plan.
But then there's always the risk factor to consider. I've got to be honest with you; there is a fair possibility of either prosecution or death.

Science Friction (Perpetual Motion's Nemesis)

These days I seem to be posting my ideas more infrequently. Which is to say, I've been posting my ideas more sparsely, with a higher rate of infrequency, and in fewer abundance. Which is to say, in plain English, I've been posting less inperiodically or more commonly less frequently more often.

It is for this reason that I challenged my genius brain to come up with an idea that will solve more than one of mankind's problems in one go. We're talking killing two birds with one stone. But I didn't want to stop at two. Anyone who knows me knows how I love to maim a multitude of feathered creatures with one projectile, but on this occasion I decided to leave them be, and just think about the problem I'd set myself. Well within 15 minutes I came up with a single concept that will help reduce humanity's social, environmental, technological, residential and economic problems. All you need is a few decades work on an international scale, in a large section of Antarctica.

(an area of 500km radius around the south pole to be exact)

Problem 1.
The prisons in [insert country here] are full, but people keep doing crimes.

Solution: Send all the world's prisoners (or all the lifers at least) to one massive prison on an island. Perhaps not such an original idea. It's like when the US used to send criminals to Alcatraz. ...or when the UK used to send criminals to Australia. (In retrospect we call all agree that the latter was a terrible idea).
A large prison will be built in the centre of the continent of Antarctica, which (when the prisoners have finished building it) will be escape-proof. Anyone leaving the prison complex to go outside is essentially committing suicide. This of course is illegal, and will be punished by 24 hours isolation in the cooler.
Once it's up and running, a vast majority of the worlds prisons can be closed.  ... and then converted into budget housing. I'm not suggesting people will live in cell-sized flats. (not everyone anyway) I'm saying you could knock though several cells and have an apartment that was made up of up to 5 cells. Luxury.


Problem 2.
How can the world save money on the space program?

Solution: You'd have a lift into space. Yes, this isn't a new idea, not even by me. But it is an idea I came up with many years ago. I've adapted it though, so that the base of the lift is in the Antarctic (to capitalise on the very cheap/free labour among the local residents), and the counterweight at the other end is in a low orbit in space, but at an angle (of maybe 60°) from the base. The counterweight can make several orbits of the Earth each day in the opposite direction that the Earth is turning. The base in this new design however is actually anchored to a platform that moves around a large track with a circumference of approximately 3142km around the South Pole (again, built over many years by convicts). The speed of the platform around the track can be altered any time the lift needs to be used. Why the track? Well this is part of the answer to my third problem...


Problem 3.
How can we create renewable energy and stop burning fossil fuels?

Solution: This is also a question I've attempted to answer before. Albeit, not very convincingly. The idea was a very simple perpetual motion machine. And while that genius magnetic contraption has it's charms, I'll be the first to admit that it does sort of contravene Newton's third law of motion. Generally you can't create energy from nothing. You can only convert energy. Which is exactly what we're doing here. For all intents and purposes, this coasting Antarctic space elevator is a genuine perpetual motion machine. It would actually work. Why? Because it's not actually a genuine perpetual motion machine. But it almost is. The movement on the track will either turn a giant underground wheel, or turn a series of generator as the platform speeds round the track. The speed of the thing is determined by the radius of the track as well as the height of the counterweight's orbit.* It will never stop, so long as the Earth keeps spinning. A by-product of this ingenious suggestion is that (very gradually) the Earth's spin will slow down as a result of friction. The Earth's spin is slowing down very gradually anyway, but this machinery will increase this deceleration. However, it's worth pointing out that you won't see any noticeable effect of this for many hundreds of years.  ...probably.

Still, I'm always saying there aren't enough hours in the day.



*Assuming the counterweight goes round the earth just twice a day, and the track has a diameter of 1000km, then the base will be travelling at about 262km/h (163mph). For convenience this speed can be sped up or slowed down by decreasing or increasing the length of the counterweight's tether.

The Return of the Thin White Duke...

As those of you who know me know, I have always been entertained, fascinated and inspired by a young man named David Bowie. Perhaps you've heard of him.

He's one of those old fashioned all-round entertainers, but He's particularly fond of producing music. Timeless music (and decades of it), comprising of such a diverse range of sounds and ideas as to make you wonder which planet this talented genius came from. His genres of choice and artistic vision for each album has always been ahead of the curve (with the exception of 80's albums Tonight and Never Let Me Down, which were somewhat behind). He has influenced every recording artist you care to name in the last forty years. - Yep, every single one of them. (Yes, even them!)

His ability to foreshadow musical trends is astonishing even to me. Assuming that He hasn't stolen the keys to my time machine, the man truly is a genius. I feel honoured to be sharing a planet with Him.

But what's waxing lyrical about a fellow genius got to do with Jon's genius ideas? Very good question, imaginary reader. I'll tell you...


About five years ago, in the days when it had seemed that He may have retired, I thought up a fantastic idea for a David Bowie concept album. I also thought it would be a great idea to write a letter to tell Him of said genius idea. The concept was as follows: He should record an album of new songs, each song written and sung in the style of a different Bowie era. Not only that, but for the sake of authenticity, the appropriate instruments and recording technology of the time should be employed, as well as the appropriate musicians and producers for each era (assuming they're still alive. - No-one needs to bother exhuming Mick Ronson*). The whole album would be like a mixed alternative reality 'best of' album. It'd be called Evolution, or some such. Perhaps a naff title, but the more I thought about the album name, the more I realised that didn't really matter - It was the concept that was important.

There'd be a track from his hippy 60's era, a Man Who Sold The World style prog-rock epic, a couple of Ziggy-like glam-rock song, a plastic-soul number, a couple of Eno-written/produced songs, a new romantic song, a pop 80's hit, a song about goblins, a tin-machine-esque rock song, an experimental quirky one that sounded like it was from Outside, a drum'n'bass track, and finally a couple of contemporary tunes that sound like His more recent output. This was a great idea! Ok, maybe not the Tin Machine style song, but the rest of it's all good.

Two weeks ago Bowie released his first studio album since 2003. The Next Day is awesome. It's probably His best album in the last 30 years, and I'm not just saying that.
...Ok, I am just saying that. But if you give it a listen, I'm sure your ears (and eventually your brain) will agree with me, and then you'll be saying that too.




When you hear The Next Day for the first time it's quite obvious that some of the songs sound similar to earlier incarnations of Bowie. On repeat listens, you can pick out a different corresponding album from his back catalogue (from Ziggy onwards) for almost every song on the album. Have a listen yourself and I'm sure you'll agree. Some are more obvious than others though.



My track/album comparisons are as follows:

  1. The Next Day : Scary Monsters

   2. Dirty Boys : Lodger        

3. The Stars (Are Out Tonight) : Reality                                   
4. Love Is Lost : Heathen         
5. Where Are We Now? : Hours                          
6. Valentine's Day : Ziggy Stardust   
7. If You Can See Me : Earthling                  
8. I'd Rather Be High : Heroes                   
    9. Boss of Me : Diamond Dogs
10. Dancing Out in Space : Black Tie White Noise   
11. How Does the Grass Grow : The Next Day**                       
12. (You Will) Set the World on Fire : Tin Machine                                   
     (maybe. not so sure about that one^ I've never heard Tin Machine)
13. You Feel So Lonely You Could Die : Young Americans (maybe)                
  14. Heat : Outside

**Ok, I couldn't really think of which specific album sounds like track 11. It sort of encompasses lots of Bowie albums... which in itself make it quite typical of this album.

I know what you're thinking. And the answer is no, I'm not sure that I do have too much time on my hands. And also I realise maybe four or five of the tracks don't exactly sound like the album I've linked them to,... but some really do. Particularly tracks 1, 3, 5, 6, 7 and 14. They sound like giving them a retro album style was the very idea. And what a great idea it was.

So, did the Gobin King actually go with my idea? ... Well no, because I never actually wrote to Him. I mean, you've gotta ask yourself, am I even worthy to communicate with the great man?

So how come He ended up making an album that seems so close to my original genius idea, even though I'd never published this idea until now? Perhaps He did steal my time machine after all. Other than that, I'd say that it's more likely a case of great minds thinking alike; He must've come up with this genius idea on His own. I mean, it's not like He's omniscient.


*Thinking about it, Ronno would make a pretty good zombie.

Labyrinth Game

     You remind me of the babe

          What babe?     
               The babe with the power           
                    What power?                 
                         The power of voodoo                       
                              Who do?                             
                                   You do                                   

                                        Do what?                                         

                                             You remind me of the babe                               

It's one of the greatest stories ever told. It's a musical fantasy epic up there with other classic cinematic milestones such as Citizen Kane, Ben-Hur, Apocalypse Now and Look Who's Talking Too. It's certainly the greatest film ever produced by George Lucas. It features a mixture of ground-breaking CGI* and puppetry**, and it stars Jennifer Connolly before she was legal and some bloke called David Jones*** as the goblin king. But for some reason no one has ever had the foresight to turn Labyrinth into a boardgame...

[Clarksonian pause]
 

 ...until now!

 

 

Maybe the film didn't do so well on it's initial release to warrant a board game release. But it certainly deserves one now, given it's current cult status.

No, I'm not going to make it. I'll let some other idiot do that. But I was inspired to make my own interpretation of the Escher-esque room in the middle of the labyrinth (see picture below). Then I figured, if you had an accurate 3D model of that room then you can turn it into a 3D board game with the use of magnets. It'd be like the not-very-scary Ghost Castle from the 1980's, but with an extra dimension. It could be the simplest dice game; a race from start to finish, or it could be a more complicated affair, with various different marked routes around the room: There would be four players; Sarah, Toby (the baby), Jareth, and Jareth's magic balls ball.

Well?... Laugh.
(more pictures available in the Arts Hole)

The idea is that each player has a target player they need to land on to win.

Jareth's chasing Sarah,

Sarah's chasing Toby,

Toby is chasing Jareth's ball,

and Jareth's ball is chasing ...Jareth? No wait, that can't be right.

Jareth is chasing Toby,

Toby is chasing Sarah,

Sarah is chasing Jareth... oh hang on, that's wrong again.

There has to be some other way that fits in better with the film's storyline.

So,... Toby is chasing Jareth, Jareth's ball is chasing Toby, Hoggle is chasing Sarah, and Sarah is chasing Jareth's package.

*The owl at the start is genuinely cinema's first ever CG animal.

**For the film, director/muppeteer Jim Henson created some very realistic creatures. You'd never have guessed that the life-like role of Sarah's step-dad was created with pioneering animatronics.

***I've asked around at Hollywood, David Jones is apparently the father of the excellent film director Zowie Bowie.

The Speed of the Universe

"People often ask me about the universe..." says the daft-punk speak'n'spell robot voice controlled by supposed genius Professor Stephen Hawkings. Well people would ask him wouldn't they. But then people are stupid. Believe me I've met a few.

Today (and over the next few days/weeks) I'm going to tell you about the universe... (yes, I am aware you never asked). I'm going tell it how it really is and point out where current science has got it wrong.

First up, the speed of the universe.

 
It is currently trendy in cosmological circles to believe that the universe is expanding. Not only that, but expanding at an accelerating rate too.

This is nonsense.

The universe is not accelerating. It is definitely decelerating. Not only that but it's possible it could have come close to stopping expanding all together. You want proof? ... Gravity.

The effect of gravity generally makes matter attract other matter. This is why the universe is and always has been slowing down. If the effect of gravitation didn't exist, the universe still wouldn't be accelerating. It would just keep expanding at the same speed. That's Newton's first law right there; the law of inertia.

So what we have is an expanding universe that is not naturally inclined to speed up, even before we include gravity. Once we add effect of gravity to this universe as well as the resulting effect of friction, we have a universe that is definitely slowing down. As a result of gravity and friction in our universe, matter (particularly solid matter) generally doesn't like to be stretched.

Ahhh, you say, but what about the red spectrum shift that proves that all galaxies are spreading out and that the ones furthest away are getting further away faster?
You're not thinking fourth dimensionally!(as the creator of time travel will famously say). I agree those farthest galaxies are expanding toward the outer universe and they are expanding at a faster rate than the nearer galaxies. But you forget, those galaxies at the edge of the viewable universe are 13.7 billion light-years away. We're looking at that area of space the way it was 13.7 billion years ago. It's has taken that long for their light to reach us.

Now lets look at a relatively close neighbouring galaxy, Andromeda. It's only 2.5 million light-years away. Like all galaxies, it is getting further from us, but not at nearly the same rate as those at the edge of the viewable universe. When we view Andromeda, we're seeing it as it was just 2.5 million years ago.

Let's look at those (very approximate) figures again...

Edge of the observable universe as seen:  13,700,000,000 years ago.
The Andromeda galaxy as seen:                            2,500,000 years ago.

So in conclusion, things were flying about much faster a long long time ago, and things are flying about a lot more slowly more recently. Therefore:

The expansion of the universe is slowing.  Q.E.D.

Ha! In your face, Hawkings!

Also I should add that my claim that the universe has now almost come to a stop is based upon the the above fact, the known age of the universe, and the known effects of gravity.
I postulate that at this very moment, at the actual edge of the universe (that we cannot see), the current speed of those galaxies will not be much faster than the relative speeds of the nearby galaxies in the local vicinity.

Can someone get Professor Brian Cox on the phone, I have some news for him.

Battersea Power-Table

I was on the train in South London* a couple of weeks ago. I looked out of the window and wondered why the above item of furniture doesn't exist. It's a genius idea! And it's all yours. Someone's going to make a fortune with this one. Perhaps I should see if Ikea will produce a flat-pack version.


*Actually correctly pronounced 'Sairf Lahnden' by the locals.